Exposed
An unedited journal entry about a recent experience, and my real struggles with vulnerability, | BSDM | NSFW | 18+ |
Vulnerability can be defined as being emotionally open. This, I can do. I am someone who feels everything incredibly deeply. The positives, the negatives, and everything in between. So, being emotionally open with another person comes easily to me. Do I have walls up? Well…yes, who doesn’t? But for the most part, there is a level of this vulnerability that I am willing to allow with others.
Vulnerability can also be defined as being exposed. This, this is the one I have trouble with. Whether intentionally or not, I have fought against this for perhaps my entire life. This is the case, especially, when it comes to sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, I am immensely sex-positive…until it comes to myself. Maybe the root of the issue is insecurity, which I think most people experience, but it could be a number of things. It just isn’t something I’ve actively tried to work on or break through. That wall has been built and consistently reinforced. Well, until recently.
There was a BDSM party that I attended, where I had plans to play with someone. This someone, this magical woman, and I had been chatting for a month. At the previous month’s party, I saw her for the first time. Her energy was mesmerizing. We chatted for a good while, and something said about me piqued her interest. “I have got to get my hands on you.” Excitement washed over me, and I tried to keep my cool…but then we hugged. And it was such a fucking phenomenal hug, I truly almost crumbled to my knees then and there. Something inside me switched on, and it both excited and unnerved me. We began messaging every day, getting to know one another, planning to play together. The switch changed to a dial, and it was continuously being turned higher and higher. Then it was the day-of. I felt like a live wire, anticipation at an all-time high.
We met up and exchanged another fucking phenomenal hug. We had discussed bringing our tarot decks to show one another, so I knelt down (toooootally innocently, not at all because of how much I knew she would enjoy it) and got mine out. After that, she asked if I would like some Reiki, which I had never experienced before. I sat down on the floor and scooted all the way back against her, as instructed. Warmth. My memory of this gets a little cloudy because I was just so in the moment, but I remember warmth. I remember that dial turning higher. Feeling her hands spreading over my shoulders, back, working their way up my neck, into my scalp. It felt divine. The headache that was slowly forming was washed away and replaced with a calm.
Then, it was time for her to have a session with her play partner. I got to watch her pull him apart and put him back together. Even with two other scenes going on in the room, I could still feel the energy of the two of them emanating from the corner. The dial turned up some more. How much fucking higher will this damn dial turn? Is there no limit? My body was buzzing as their session came to its end and I knew it was almost time. It was a mixture of anticipation and nerves.
We found a semi-quiet place to set up and chat one more time before playing. The boundaries talk. For me, I might as well have a self-imposed chastity belt on. I never wanted anyone else to touch me there. Exposed - that is how I imagine receiving that kind of attention would make me feel. That’s the kind of vulnerability that I fight against. She, of course, respects this about me and would never cross that boundary. So we begin. I’m on the bench, wearing nothing but my panties. I feel. Hands, nails, a tongue, teeth. Caressing, scratching, trailing, biting. It was our first time playing, so I know she’s holding back, but fuck. I FEEL. Remember that dial? It was turning up and up and up. Everything was so different from anything I’d ever experienced. I wasn’t laughing, I was panting. Soft moans for Her ears only. It was my turn to break apart. In that moment, I found myself wanting for things I fought against. Feeling the breaths along my neck, the teeth sinking into my shoulderblade. I wanted. And that’s fucking scary. Too vulnerable.
But…here I am, still wanting. It is obviously something I am going to have to work towards. Something I am going to have to become comfortable with. But I think I do want it.
I also recommend you read Dragon Ezme’s recounting of our time together here!
Haylie, this was beautifully vulnerable to share. thank you for this gift. 🙏🏽
Tender and true 😻